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A Clockwork Orange House of Fun

Oct. 27th, 2003

11:44 pm

Anguish, fear, and sorrow, are emotions we all feel, but never more strongly than in our adolescence. When just having an acne-rabid skin, can mean a lifetime of loneliness. One's acceptance by others, is a barometer of one's popularity. If one is different, a misfit, maybe unattractive, unathletic, one is in for a lifetime of cruelty and suffering, that will traumatize permanently. You see scars are souvenirs you never loose. The past is never far. You can try to repress it. You can try to hold it back. You can try to deny it. But it will still continue to grow... stronger, and stronger. Like a malignant cancer, that can't be sedated. Each of us manifests our pain in different manners. Whether it's three in the morning in bed... tears in one's eye. Whether it's a need to destroy everything beautiful, or just simply shutting one's self off from society. I never got what I needed, so I understand what it's like to do without. They should understand this. They should give what's needed. I can see this. I can feel their pain. Why can't they understand? Quote the Raven... nevermore.

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Stereomud - "End of Everything"

01:54 am - Thinking about it...

To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person. Do not run away; let go. Do not seek, for it will come when least expected. The perfect way is only difficult for those who pick and choose. Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. Make a hairbreadth difference and heaven and earth are set apart; if you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between "for" and "against" is the mind's worst disease. Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional. We cannot avoid pain, but we can avoid joy. Seek not the cultivated innocence of a clever mind that wants to be innocent, but have rather that state of innocence where there is no denial or acceptance and the mind just sees what is. The entire purpose of human existence, is to kindle a light in the darkness of being. We are a nation of hollow stuffed people; bleeding together; heads stuffed with straw, like wind in an empty street, or rats feet over broken glass in a dark and forgotten cellar. We all want to leave this work with some sort of memory ... But the key to immortality is first to live a life worth remembering.

^^^^^^^^^^

Stuff like this makes me think about life... and how alone I feel... I feel like the Raven... so Quote the Raven... Nevermore.

Current Mood: irritatedirritated
Current Music: Three Days Grace - "Just Like You"

Oct. 24th, 2003

12:13 am - I am this many...

tigergoddess00 98%
keysh 95%
rocks_tonic 95%
How compatible with me are YOU?

Current Mood: geekygeeky
Current Music: Socialburn - "Down"

Oct. 23rd, 2003

12:51 am - Decisions decisions...

Alright it's time for decision making and I'm gonna require the help of my LJ fans. Right now, I think it's either time for a new look or a rejuvenation. What should I do? I'm considering redying my hair completely so theres no black roots showing... or I'm considering cutting my hair completely. Those who know me, know that my hair is kinda long... those who know me but have never seen me (LJ friends), well... I kinda have long hair heh. So I ask of your opinions... what should I do? Recolor hair? Cut it? What to do?

Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Disturbed - "Bound"

Oct. 22nd, 2003

12:13 am - And old old post ... revamped and slightly altered...

"What are the dreams you would have if any, to help u escape the sadness and pain, what were things u imagined for urself, and others, and still do" - A direct quote from Steve Cravak. Let's have what he calls, a hot cup of talk.

Well, whats there to dream about? Dreams are just what goes through the imagination when you're in a state of lethargy. Or are they? Or maybe a dream is what is beyond life... but the question that was asked was what I do to get through the sadness, what I do to escape the pain. A one word answer will suffice... Music. Allow me to explain...

Music is a universal language. Music defines personality... but sometimes, music defines more than just personality and sometimes, people confuse the music with insanity. So what kind of music do I like? If you know me, the answer is simple enough, hard rock and heavy metal. My current favorite band is Disturbed. Why? Because they are real, they relate to the listeners. Lead singer David Draiman has conducted many interviews saying that he didn't live a great life... and that his style of singing brings him to tranquility. Music is soothing to him. Now he tries to tell his lifes story through the bands music. I've heard current day rock and metal is nothing more than "Angry Teenager Syndrome Music." Maybe it's true. But who's gonna argue with that? Those who do argue, don't understand the meaning of the music, the lyrics, our lives. Now to me, rock music is soothing to me. Bands like Disturbed, Metallica, Godsmack, Dope, Linkin Park and LMF are amongst my favorites. Whenever I want to escape sadness, rejection, pain, fear and the tragedies of reality... music becomes my habitual environment.

But I'm not wanting to talk all about music, I want to talk about someONE. This somebody is the one person who, in my opinion, has had the most impact in my 22 year life. Some people may be surprised to see his name, then again, some may not... but this person is John Crangle. Back in early high school, back in middle school, and elementary school, I was always the shy quiet kid... mainly it was because of fear of rejection and fear of reality. The fear of rejection still lives on in me, but I've succumbed to reality faced that fear. But then, I reunited with my kindergarden comrade and something happened to me. I became outspoken, I became friendlier, I became popular. It took one man to change me, not change me completely because part of the quiet side still remains in me. But I do say that John Crangle has brought out the Paragon in me. A true friend, someone i know that I can "escape" to, without being ridiculed or criticized in anyway.

But where does this pain come from? Why haven't you seen it? Because it's not for you to see. You will see it when i'm good and ready, or until you give me a good enough reason to unleash and explode. Everything that has happened, i've taken to heart, i've kept everything inside. From lost and friends who have expired, from fear of female rejection, from fear of reality, what it meant to me will eventually be a memory. But only time will tell. The pain, comes from anger built up from past encounters with the demons. The fear comes from the demons of death. What can tame me? What can control me? Or better yet, WHO can control me?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

That was a post I had from an old name on LJ before I switched over to AznParagon. I can't believe I actually typed that... I was so morose... and in a way, I still am. The fear of rejection is still there, damn you girls out there! However, another part of me has changed yet again. Though I still live with my feelings thru music, there are other people out there other than Johnnay C who I can call a true friend. I have a friend who can relate to me, such as Mike... I have a friend who I know will always be there for me, such as Dan... I have a friend who is practically everything that I am... if he were Chinese, he would be me, that being Greg. These four men, I am proud to call my best friends, my brothers. Its funny to read an old post and see how much I've matured in two years... wow, just wow. Until next time, this has been...

-THEE ONE-AH!!

Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: Dope - "Now Is The Time"

Oct. 21st, 2003

11:40 pm - Dope - "Sing"

Some people sing for life
Some people sing for death
Some people sing to sing the song that they like best

Some people sing for broke
Some people sing for fame
Some people sing for hope some people sing for pain

So when u feel like this and really wish
That everyone else would just go away
When u feel like this and really wish
That everyone else would just go away

Free your mind and

Sing for the man on the corner
Sing for your love of God
Sing for your apathy
No matter, no matter what you believe
Sing just a little bit louder
Sing with all you got
Sing along with me
No matter, no matter what you believe

Some people sing for love
Some people sing for hate
Some people sing to sing a song cuz they relate

Some people sing inside
Some people sing in vain
Some people sing to love some people sing to gain

Open your mind and

So when u feel like this and really wish
That everyone else would just go away
When u feel like this and really wish
That everyone else would just go away

Sing for the man on the corner
Sing for your love of God
Sing for your apathy
No matter, no matter what you believe
Sing just a little bit louder
Sing with all you got
Sing along with me
No matter, no matter what you believe

So let me hear you sing...

-----

Just a really good song to listen to...

Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Dope - "Sing"

01:31 am - Death Is Almost Fun These Days - George Carlin

Seems to me that it wasn`t long ago that when an OLD PERSON DIED, the UNDERTAKER put him in COFFIN, and you sent FLOWERS to the FUNERAL HOME where the MORTICIAN held the WAKE. Then, after the FUNERAL, they put him in a HEARSE and DROVE him to the CEMETARY, where they BURIED his BODY in a GRAVE.

Now when a SENIOR CITIZEN PASSES AWAY, he is placed in a BURIAL CONTAINER, and you send FLORAL TRIBUTES to the SLUMBER ROOM where the GRIEF THERAPIST supervises the VIEWING. After the MEMORIAL SERVICE, the FUNERAL COACH TRANSPORTS THE DEPARTED, to the GARDEN OF REMEMBERANCE where his EARTHLY REMAINS are INTERRED in their FINAL RESTING PLACE.

Current Mood: groggygroggy
Current Music: Dope - "Sing"

Oct. 20th, 2003

12:38 am - Stole this off "Korean Devils" page... thanks Susan!

A - Act your age - Absolutely NOT
B - Boyfriend - No thanks, hell no thanks
C - Chore you hate - Work
D - Dad's name - Ting
E - Essential make up item - chapstick... but that doesn't count. so i would definitely have to say mascara.. i'm practically naked without my mascara...
F - Favorite actor/actress - Russell Wong
G - Gold or silver - Gold
H - Hometown - Tonawanda, NY ((Buffalo))
I - Instruments you play - Used to play the viola haha...
J - Job title - Manchu Wok Manager/Supervisor
K - Kids - No kids yet... no girl yet... I got nothing.
L - Living arrangements - I live in a house.
M - Mum's name - Xiu
N - Number of people you've slept with - 0
O - Overnight hospital stays - Zero
P - Phobia - Heights, Drowning, Suffocation
Q - Quote you like - "Tremendous!"
R - Religious affiliation - Baptist
S - Sibling(s) - 4 sisters, 1 brother
T - Time you wake up - 9am
U - Unique habit - For a big guy, i'm extremely flexible.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - Celery
W - Worst habit - Um... I dunno.
X - X-rays you've had - None
Y - Yummy food you make - I work at a chinese restaurant, I can make anything haha.
Z - Zodiac Sign - Taurus (I'm a Bull)... or on chinese zodiac, Cock (I'm a Cock)

Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: LMF - "Hum Ga Ling" :)

Oct. 17th, 2003

06:47 pm - Blah

Ok i'm on day 10 of working in a row without a day off, but I have had days where i've only worked half days. But today is the last day for at least a week, prolly two weeks. I don't mind working so much, I mean c'mon, workin 70-80 hrs per week, i'm gonna be gettin like $700/week paychecks. Makes the wallet happy. But I still have two weeks left... how can I work 24 days in a row without a day off? Well, I don't wanna be bored. At least I'll have some luchi to spend. Too bad I won't have any time to spend it... or anyone to spend it on. :( Is there anyone out there for me? Doesn't look like there is... ((sigh))... Until next time...

- Version 1 and Only

Current Mood: rejectedrejected
Current Music: Dope - "Bitch"

Oct. 7th, 2003

05:04 pm - I'm posting cuz Lacey told me to...

So I'm just kinda sitting here right now doing not too much. So this will be just a bunch of Randomoddity... ala Crave. I've been working a lot, too much and I still don't have any money to spend since I've got a car to work on now. It'll be worth it in the end I suppose... but until then, I need more money. I've decided I need more of a life right now, sure I go out n stuff but if I'm home for more than 15 minutes, I get hardcore bored. F that. So i'm sitting here online and all of a sudden Lacey sends me this link for Livejournal and she just sends me a journal of this girl and I pretty much melted. She was just gorgeous haha. Lacey said she's even do her if given the chance haha... and after lookin at the journal... i'd have to concur, that I prolly would too haha. I left her a couple of comments, but she prolly won't respond. Thats alright, i'm used to being ignored by now. But if there is a response, that would be a tremendous marker to my day.

Things have been looking up lately. Pretty much since I've decide to let go of a certain somebody and realize that I could prolly not ever get her... i've been almost smiling. Not quite finding my smile, but close enough. Better off than spending every moment talking to said person in practically full-on depression. I can't even remember the last time I've been like this, like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. So now I will accept what awaits me in my future... my destiny.

I'm still feeling pretty alone... so steal a line from one of my fav movies... "Ever been surrounded by people but feel totally alone? I always feel that way. At least when you're alone, theres nobody to let you down. I don't feel anything. Nothing. I'd like to take off and vanish for a while. I don't think anyone would miss me. Oh well. Better Luck Tomorrow..." Actually thats how I feel right about now. I'm beginning to think that theres nobody out there for me. Its so hard for me. Its so hard for someone like me to gain attention, affection, adulation from females. Blast!

Anyways, its time for me to say... "Dats a finish Tony..." so i'll end here. Heres song to describe the way I feel...

12 Stones - "Broken"

Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you

‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away

I question why you chose to die
When you knew your truth I would deny
You look at me
The tears begin to fall
And all in all faith is blind
But I fail time after time
Daily in my sin I take your life

‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away

All the hate deep inside
Slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from you again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothing’s gonna change
Until I'm broken

This time... BROKEN!!!

‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away

BROKEN!!
BROKEN!!
BROKEN!!

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: 12 Stones - "Broken"

Sep. 19th, 2003

07:29 pm - Wow...

Thats Tremendous!

May. 12th, 2003

08:58 am

N'yez pas peur

Dec. 9th, 2002

12:07 am

100rice
How azn are u?

brought to you by Quizilla

Dec. 8th, 2002

09:14 am



You are Venom!


Take the "Which Marvel Comics Hero are you" quiz!


Dec. 3rd, 2002

01:48 pm

I am the Ideal Lover

Most people have dreams in their youth that get shattered or worn down with age. They find themselves disappointed by people, events, reality, which cannot match their youthful ideals. Ideal Lovers thrive on people's broken dreams which become lifelong fantasies. You long for romance? Adventure? Lofty spiritual communion? The Ideal Lover reflects your fantasy. He or she is an artist creating the illusion you require. In a world of disenchantment and baseness, there is limitliess seductive power in following the path of the Ideal Lover.

Symbol: The Portrait Painter. Under his eye, all of your physical imperfections disappear. He brings out noble qualities in you, frames you in a myth, makes you godlike, immortalises you. For his ability to create such fantasies, he is rewarded with great power.


What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society
</p>

Oct. 10th, 2002

12:31 am - Lyrix Corner for Wednesday October 9, 2002

There's another reflection involved up in my mind
A wholeness that has just been lost
Striving hard for perfection but still nothing to find
Some value with a cheaper cost
And as I reach out to hear you the sound is so muffled
It makes a lesser man of me
So the only thing left to bring up to date is

You suck!
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with
me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me

I'm at the point of retraction and still slipping further
This place is getting worse for me
There's such a lack of direction and models to live by
No bright skies ahead of me
And as I reach out for your hand
you turn and then wander
Why I simply just can't see
No separation of gender no difference in me
You're just leading me on and on and on
You lead me on and on and on and on

You suck!
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with
me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me

Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn
Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn
Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn
Pretty soon you're gonna be the one that burns
Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn
Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn
Pretty soon it's gonna come back and be your turn

Guess what?
You Suck!
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with
me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me
Watch me fall while I go down
I'm taking all you bastards to the ground with
me then I'll frown
On your fucking whole life
The systematic hype still means a bit much to me

Must be you
Your turn now

Flaw - "Payback"
__________________________________________________

Happy Birthday Jeremy Byrnes (RIP Friend)
__________________________________________________

Ok so today I had a weird friggin dream. I dreamt that I was throwing a party with all my friends there. I had a pool in my backyard and I decided to go for a swim. Then I hear someone else get in the pool with me and who does it turn out to me? Well shitballs it's fuckin one of the people I dread seeing ever again, Maya aka the Figure Skater Girl. So what happens? She jumps on me n starts freakin me and kissin me n shit. After like a half a minute, i gave in and started going at it... then i woke up.

Why did it have to be her?!?!? Couldn't it have been someone else? Like someone I like now instead of someone I liked almost a year ago? Damn, that dream ruined the flow of my day. I don't know what this means. Does it mean that she had such an impact on me that I still have feelings for her? I really don't know what to think, I'm at a loss for words. I soooo need to get a girl. This is what I have resulted to... it's sad I know, but there are just no girls out there who like me the way I like them. It's just not worth trying anymore.

Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Flaw - "Payback" and Stereomud - "Steppin Away"

Oct. 5th, 2002

10:25 pm - Just Another Victim...

Well for the first time ever in my 21 years of living, I have been a victim of racism.

I don't really wanna talk about the whole situation, but all I ask is one question...

Is it right of me to punch someone in the face so hard that i knock out two and a half teeth and break his nose... all cuz he called me a fat chink and told me to get out of the country, then tried to slap me?

That's the question of the day. So give me some feedback here and give me your thoughts.

Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Disturbed - "Down With The Sickness"... Mudvayne - "Dig"

Oct. 3rd, 2002

09:56 am - Hey I'm azn!

Well... I dunno what to say. No seriously, I really am speechless right now. Not because something happened, more so because I really have nothing to say. But i'll think of something.

Ok here I go.

Whats been going on in my life? Well working a whole helluva lot and nothing else.

So Greg tells me that at this drycleaning place, there's this gorgeous azn gurl workin there n he insists that I go with him to pick up his work tux Friday afternoon. Maybe if I build the gutz enough, i'll talk to her. But those who know me know I won't do a damn thing cuz i'm just the shyest person EVER when it comes to the opposite sex. Ah well, who knows. I'll just end up melting and getting nothing in the end. But I just need to find someone to get my mind off Vicki... zoiks yo. I can't wait to see what she looks like... even tho i'll wuss out n do nothing... damn whats wrong with me? I HATE being so damn shy when it comes to the gurlz...

More to come later, I gotz to go. Laterz all.

Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: Flaw - "One More Time"

Sep. 26th, 2002

12:56 am - Just wow...

So I was at work today and was talkin to a girl that I normally talk to that also works in the mall... we've been talkin about chillin for a while but nothing ever gets planned. We was talkin today and she just blurts out, "You know? I'd probably go out with you if you were just about 5-6 inches taller." What the shit is that? The craziest thing is that one of my friends had that same line thrown at him. What the fuck is wrong with people? Whats wrong with short people? I'm tall for an asian guy too... that just pisses me off.

But to make up for that... Steve Cravak is fuckin hilarious. Thats all that's needed to be said. He made up for the shit I had to put up with today.

That is all, be back later or something.

Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Our Lady Peace - "Not Enough"

Sep. 23rd, 2002

01:48 am - Holla Front...

Well I'm bored so I'm gonna do a post for livejournal... tryin to make usage of this as much as I can until I get sick of it once again.

So I ordered the WWE PPV tonite, Unforgiven... why? I was bored. All in all, with the quality of wrestling these past few years, it wasn't all that bad. Cuz those who know me, know that I've done nothing but dog the wrestling product for the past year of two... but tonites show was decent. Not only that, for the past two weeks, I've done nothing but watch all of my old ETW videos of me and my friends wrestling in my friend Dans backyard. Just think... five, eight hour videos within the past two weeks... that's a lot of wrestling matches. After all of that, plus tonite, I'm in the mood to wrestle. I want some ETW action back in my life. Maybe one last time before the trampoline is put away for good. I think that Dan needs to get people back into it, after last Tuesdays match between him and Troy, now I wanna do it more than ever. I miss it. It was fun. Yakuza needs to become the ETW Heavyweight Champion and needs to kill Mikey Massacre one last time. But o well.

Mike n Dan came over tonite to watch the replay of Unforgiven, mainly cuz Dan wanted to see the HLA (Hot Lesbian Action) segment, which became so predictable that it became a horrible segment period. But moreover, we all wanted to see Kurt Angle take on Chris Benoit in one of the greatest matches in a long time. Good stuff, I tells ya.

Recently, i've been listening to a lot of freestyle rap, mainly chinese freestylist Jin Tha MC. The only asian rapper in the hip hop industry that I know of. He be reppin the asians n his stuff ain't that bad either. Its good stuff, give it a listen to. I mean, he gots to be good, the Ruff Ryders signed him. But other than that, I've been in a rough mood.

This entire weekend was kinda shitty. Friday nite, I was supposed to go out with Vicki but she had to cancel on me coz her bf came to town from Toronto. So I got jewed over there. I had nothing to do, so Tim came over n had a couple drinks. Then on Saturday, Mike told me that he was gonna be free so I assumed that I was gonna hang out with him but he wasn't home, so again, Saturday nite, I was home. Vicki also declined my invite to go to OLP, mainly because her bf said she didn't want her to go with me... which kind of a bummer... but, hey, I guess this is what I get for tryin to get with a girl who had a dude already. This fuckin sux, I need to find a single gurl to like... and who will like me back. Damn, if Vicki didn't have that dude, I could almost guarantee that she'd be with me. But its stupid to assume things that will never happen. But o well, one day in the world of never, she will come. I just wish that she would've went to Ken East like she was supposed to, then I would've known her earlier than I do now... and she wouldn't be going out with her dude now... damn I need her...

But until then, I must depart. Take care of yourselves... and take care of someone else.

Current Mood: jealousjealous
Current Music: Jin Tha MC - "I Don't Know"

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